103 - Dealing with the shame of a cluttered home

Summary

In this episode of Decluttering Untangled, Heather Tingle discusses the often unspoken issue of the 'mask' people wear at home, particularly in relation to clutter and mental health. She shares her personal experiences as a late-diagnosed autistic individual and how decluttering has transformed her relationship with her home and herself. Heather emphasises the importance of feeling safe to let others into our homes, the shame associated with clutter, and the need for connection and support. She encourages listeners to drop the shame and seek help, reminding them that their home does not define their worth.


Chapters

00:00 The Mask We Wear at Home
03:06 Living with Clutter and Shame
05:56 The Impact of Decluttering on Connection
08:42 Dropping the Shame and Seeking Help

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.326)
Hello, untanglers, and welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. Now, today I want to talk about something that doesn't get spoken about out loud very often. And this is gonna be quite a short, but hopefully sweet, impactful podcast for you today, because I don't hear anybody talking about it. And that is about the mask we wear at home. Now,

Being a late diagnosed autistic, now I'm totally used to masking, but this is a whole new level and it is something that really hit me about how my life is so different post decluttering compared to how it used to be. And I don't mean like the social mask we put on at work or around friends, but the one that hides what our home actually looks like behind closed doors. So recently I had an engineer come into my house and it was such an

weird and I'm gonna say the word weird because it was weird. It wasn't really something to celebrate. It was just, it really stuck with me how I didn't care that they were in the house. Like if they needed to go into a room, it was fine. If they needed to use the loo, it was fine. If they needed to wash their hands, it was fine. I didn't have to hide anything. I could just be. And I think...

One of the things that is quite difficult is, you know, that feeling when you're living in clutter, when someone says, I'll just pop round. And then you go into absolute freeze and panic and that awful sick feeling. And you find an excuse to stop them coming over. Or if you can't stop them from coming over, you start doing like the clutter shuffle of hiding things around. So moving piles from one room to another and hoping they don't open the wrong door.

Now I've done it too and like I've hidden in my bedroom pretending not to be in so many times and nearly all my life I thought the goal was to have a house that looked tidy and perfect all the time just in case anyone came over. But actually what I really wanted was to feel safe enough to let people in even when things weren't perfect. And I'm now at that point and that is still something I get, you know, I still find it hard to get my head around because my house is not perfect yet. Yes, it's decluttered.

Heather Tingle (02:18.254)
Yes, it's much, much nicer and it's getting to how I want it, but it isn't perfect. And allowing myself to answer the door to people and invite them in or to ask someone if they want to come round, it takes some getting used to still and that's with a decluttered house. So if you think you've like, you've been masking for years, like at work or in relationships or how you show up, it's no surprise it kind of leaks.

into our homes as well because our spaces become part of that performance. So we keep up appearances because we think that's what we should do. But when we've got to mask about our house as well, I always felt that I lived two versions of myself. So I'd got the one where I was, know, I won't say high powered business woman. I wasn't exactly high powered, but you know, the one where I was a really respected person in business, where I've got an amazing team and everyone thought.

Yeah, she's got stuff together. Like she is on it. Like I am organized. I know what I'm doing. I am capable. And then there was another me, which was the one that actually I was surrounded by piles of stuff. My paperwork was a mess and the guilt and the shame was just absolutely all consuming because I was so scared about being found out all the time. Really scared. And then the utter panic about being found out, feeling that

I couldn't show anyone that version of me because it would take the other version. But the thing is, both those versions were me. And you know, that awful voice in your head that says, if they saw this, they'd see the real me. Actually, you know, the real me was still the organized one. They're still the one who had got her stuff together, who knew what she was doing, was really, really capable and really good at what she did. That was still me. They are all part of you. But you are not your home. Your home is just...

what's happened to you. Your home isn't who you are. For me, it's a reflection of who you are, but it's a reflection of who you are in that time. So my home now is a reflection of me. It's a reflection of my hobbies, my loves, the things that I care about. In the past, it was a reflection of me being overwhelmed, struggling, stressed, anxious, and it's okay. It doesn't...

Heather Tingle (04:42.335)
It doesn't detract from all your good qualities. It doesn't detract from who you are. It's not something to rate yourself against really. And what I've learned from like the hundreds of homes I've worked in, your clutter doesn't tell people that you're lazy or broken. It tells them you're human. You're juggling too much. You've been bereaved. You've got too much going on at once. You are doing your best.

with the energy and the brain that you've got and the circumstances that you found yourself in. And I really wanted to have a less practical one in all honesty today, but I really wanted to get that point across because I don't think it's something that people talk about. They don't talk about that dual personality that we've got going off there. Yes, we're so efficient, we're so amazing and at work, we've got it all together. And then we come home and we're in chaos and maybe the house isn't clean enough or...

You know, you're having to rummage around in it every morning to find the clothes to wear that projects to the outside world that you know what you're doing. And I really think we want to go into that a bit more, in all honesty, and be a bit more open about it because I don't hear people talking about this. So there you go. There's me talking about it. But the thing is when we hide our homes, we cut ourselves off from everybody and we hide our needs. And that can be really isolating. I really felt isolated.

It's a really lonely place to be and living in that fear is not a nice way to live. Now, obviously I'm going to tell you, once you declutter, that fear goes and it really does. And you you're less isolated, you're less lonely, you can reach out. Yes. But when you're living in it right now, I also want to give you some things that you can do because we miss out on so much. We miss out on connection because we're afraid of being judged. We delay in asking for help.

of making improvements in our home. Sometimes our own safety is compromised. So for example, for many years, I didn't get my boiler service because I was too embarrassed to let anybody in. And also too tired and overwhelmed to figure out how to make it tidy enough to let somebody in to do it. Because the effort it would have took would have been weeks worth of effort that I just didn't have in me. And it just wasn't doable. And it also means we never quite relax even in our own space because,

Heather Tingle (07:02.669)
I was a workaholic and I also used to shop to escape my home. Didn't like being at home because it didn't feel a relaxing place for me. And I see it all the time with clients, the relief that comes when they realize they don't have to keep pretending. So once I'm in and they realize I've not judged them and I'm just like, right, let's crack on. When that energy is like, I can...

drop that mask of apologizing about, excuse the mess because of this. The work gets easier because you're not wasting your energy on shame. You can use it for progress and being honest. Ah, I wanna keep that. And I don't know why I wanna keep it. I just do. Okay, great. We keep it. Let's figure it out. Now I'm not saying you suddenly have to open the door to everyone because that's a step too far for most people and it isn't safe also either. But think of ways that you can maybe let people in a little bit more and not.

hide this awful, shameful secret that you think you've got that actually isn't an awful, shameful secret at all. It's just your home. So for example, if someone inside, you I'll come around for a coffee one day, you know, maybe say, could we meet at your house or a cafe instead, actually, as I've got a lot on right now and don't feel comfortable as my house is in, my home's a bit in a bit of state right now, or it's not where I want it to be to let people in at the moment. I'm, you know, I'm struggling a little bit. Say those things to someone who actually

you would like to have invited into your home because they're going to be a safe person and lessen the secret a little bit. Sometimes it's easier to let a stranger in that you're never going to see again. So consider booking in that boiler service or that little bit of DIY that say in like a month's time and work on that space around that so that it feels comfortable to let someone in, even if it's not perfect, it doesn't have to be perfect. Or can they come in and do that job and then go again? Even if, you know,

you have to hide rooms from them. That's okay. Just say, what rooms do you need access to? Because at the moment I'm doing a lot of work on my house and it's all, you know, it's all in a bit of an, you know, it's all upended and be honest about it. So you don't then have to panic about, okay, which room are they gonna go? And you don't have that panic. Ask them in advance and say, I would prefer it if you didn't go in that room. You know, I'm a bit embarrassed about it and be honest about it.

Heather Tingle (09:25.601)
You know, I think it's really important that you can be more open in a safe way to drop that shame a little bit because shame is an emotion that doesn't get you anywhere, doesn't get you any further forward and it just takes up so much energy. Okay, so I think it's really important to reiterate, if you haven't got this already, that your home is not a reflection of your wealth. It's not a reflection of your worth, your value, your capabilities.

You really need to work on that and recognise that this shameful secret that you're holding isn't shameful, it is just circumstance and that can change and that is what you are working on by listening to me, by joining the membership, by being in the Facebook group, by buying the planner, by doing something, you are changing your circumstance and that's good. So the mask that you wear about your home might feel protective but it's just keeping you stuck and when you drop it even a little bit,

you'll find that your home starts to work with you and center against you and you can be grateful for your home. Like you've got a roof over your head. So many people don't. Yes, it might be messy and you might be shameful to you, but you've got a roof over your head. So well done for that, know, well done. And progress can begin the moment you stop pretending and hiding and start untangling. Whether that's asking for help by us in the group, in the community.

or by asking a friend for help or asking a stranger for help and getting them in to do something that needs doing. So just remember until next time, remember you are not alone in this. You really aren't. Be kind to yourself and keep untangling.