128 - How to fix the problem of gifts that never get given

Summary

You bought the gift. You meant well. You have absolutely no idea where it is now.

This episode came in as a listener request and it is one of those topics that the moment you mention it, everyone nods. The gifts bought in a burst of excitement and never given. The birthday present found six months later still in the bag. The thing you ordered online that you are fairly sure is somewhere in the spare room.

In this episode Heather explains why this happens so commonly for ND brains, and exactly what to put in place so gifts actually make it to their people.

In this episode Heather covers:

• Why buying the gift is the thoughtful bit and the follow-through is a completely separate skill
• The one-home rule for gifts and why your wrapping supplies need to live there too
• Why phone reminders often do not work for ADHD brains and what to use instead
• Physical, visual and habit-anchored triggers that are actually harder to ignore
• Why you should consider cutting yourself out of the delivery process altogether
• Experience gifts and e-gift cards as a clutter-free, faff-free alternative

Chapters

00:00
Introduction and Listener Request

00:29
The Thoughtful Act of Buying Gifts

01:24
The Dopamine Trap in Shopping

02:22
Challenges for Neurodivergent Brains and Executive Functioning

03:12
Designated Gift Storage Solutions

04:35
Keeping Gifts Organized and Accessible

05:30
Effective Triggers for Gift Delivery

06:51
Physical Reminders and Routine Integration

08:11
Accountability and Deadlines for Gift Posting

09:58
Simplifying the Sending Process with Direct Shipping

11:51
Reducing Stress by Cutting Out the Middle Step

12:43
Experience Gifts as Clutter-Free Alternatives

13:36
Summary and Final Tips

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.208)
Hello, Untanglers. Welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. So today's episode came in as a listener request. Thank you, listener. And as soon as I read it, I was like, yes, we are absolutely doing this one. And today I want to talk about gifts. So not decluttering gifts that you have received, but talking specifically about the gifts you buy with the best of intentions for other people, and then either completely forget to give it to them,

or you forgot where you put it and then three years later you find them still in the bag with the receipt in it. Okay, so that's what I wanna talk about today. First things first, so you bought the gift, that is the thoughtful bit and this is the bit that requires you to think about another person, what they're like, what would make them smile and then actually go and get it and that happened. You did that and we are really good at that. So we put so much effort in to find the right thing for somebody and we can feel.

emotions so deeply we wanna do the best for our friend or family member or whoever. But also there is a bit of a warning with this one in that what we can also do is enjoy shopping and the dopamine it brings and that sometimes if we see something we like, we buy it for somebody else so it kind of like doesn't count and it doesn't make us feel bad. So, that'd be perfect for such and such. And yes, it is part of that great thing that we have where

We care about other people so much, but also it can be a bit of a, I don't know, a bit of a habit to enjoy shopping and buying things, but it doesn't matter because you're giving it to someone else. So when you are, when you've bought the perfect thing, the follow through, the getting it wrapped, getting it posted or giving it to them and getting it into the actual hands of the actual person it was meant for, well, that's a totally different skill, isn't it?

So for lot of neurodivergent brains, it's really, really hard because let's face it, it requires planning, sequencing, remembering, and not just like an immediate thought, but remembering across a period of time, and then doing multiple steps in the right order. And obviously if you add in levels of anxiety, of going places, or actually the spoons or the energy to go and do that, that is a whole new level. So executive functioning at work, executive functioning.

Heather Tingle (02:25.65)
is often where our brain struggles. So that's the understanding part of why we struggle with this. That's okay. So if you've got a stash of unloved, undelivered gifts somewhere in your home and you still don't know where they are, you are not a bad person, you're not a bad friend, you're not a bad family member, you're just someone whose brain makes the follow through genuinely difficult to action. So hopefully we can give you.

a few things to think about today to make it a little bit easier. Now, I am not perfect with this by any stretch of the imagination, but I am an awful lot better because of these strategies. So the first thing to do is give gifts one designated home in your house. So for me, now I have a teenager who is quite capable of rummaging around trying to find things. This has had to be a different place.

it may be needing to be a bigger place when it comes to Christmas time. So a drawer, a box, a basket, whatever works for you where you can, I wanna say chuck things in, obviously you're not gonna chuck, but being able to put something in there quickly and easily without a lot of stress. So this is not going to be somewhere in your loft or attic where you've got to climb up a ladder and search through things and then throw it in there. That is not gonna happen, is it?

So a place that's accessible, that you know where it is, and it's got enough space to put the things that you want in it. So things that you're wanna put in it are things like wrapping paper, gift bags, a few gift bags, not thousands of them that you are hoping to repurpose someday, tissue paper maybe, like sellotape and a pen so you can write the cards and things. You might find it useful to have a cards box in there of

I like having quite blank cards with pretty pictures on because they can be used for like every occasion. So that can work quite well. Because if the wrapping supplies and things like that are somewhere else, wrapping then becomes its own separate mission to do and that doesn't happen. And the gift doesn't get wrapped, it doesn't get given, it all becomes a bigger thing. So keep everything together. So the rule of gift box is simple. If you buy a gift, it goes in the box when you get home from shopping or whenever it arrives through the post for you. Not later, not when you get a minute.

Heather Tingle (04:45.846)
that day. Don't just shove it in a cupboard because someone's coming, like put it under your jumper or something instead and take it straight there. If it is too big to fit in the box, then put a note inside the box saying where it is. That is very useful. So when you open the box, look in the case, you find the note and you find the thing, you know where you put it. Do not expect your memory to remember where that is because we all know, even though we never learn, that our memories are

Very strange things and remember amazing things, but not very much that's useful. So hopefully this one change alone will stop the situation where you're hunting around the house late at night before someone's birthday, trying to remember where on earth you put this thing you bought three months ago. Okay, so the panic is over with that one. So you bought the gift, it's in the box. Now you need a trigger that actually gets it to the person. Now a lot of people would leave it out somewhere so they see it, but then it can become

part of the everyday clutter and it gets moved by somebody else or it gets sat on or it gets a pile of stuff laid on top of it, for example, then that doesn't work. So, and also a lot of advice I see is tell people to set a reminder on your phone. Well, we all know how well that works, don't we? So for some people that actually works really well. Brilliant, great. For a lot of ADHD brains especially, and I include me in this.

Phone reminders will get dismissed. They will get snoozed and they will get ignored or they just come at inconvenient times like when I'm driving and I can't look at my phone and then by the time I get back, I totally forget all about it. Or they just blend into general noise of notifications and disappear, never to be seen ever again. So let's think about triggers that are a bit more physical and a little bit harder to ignore. Now, I love a post-it note. They are my favourite things. But a post-it note somewhere unavoidable. So not on a nose.

notice board, for example, because it is just going to blend in with all the other things that you put on there, hoping that you're going to see someday. Not on your desk where it becomes invisible within 24 hours because all the other stuff that goes on there. Somewhere like for me on the kettle. That would work very well. On the bathroom mirror on the inside of the front door. So before you leave, you see it somewhere. You will see it multiple times a day without being able to scroll past it. And it doesn't want to be a little list. It wants to be a big sharpie marker that says present.

Heather Tingle (07:07.512)
this date, this person in big letters. So put the gift, the wrapped gift, so you've already wrapped it, somewhere inconvenient, on your shoes by the door, so you have to literally pick it up before you go, on the car seat, so it's ready to go with you, on top of your bag. For me, I put it in my handbag, and that's why have a big handbag, because things like that will go in there, and then I will not forget them.

because I go everywhere with that, or I would put it on top of my diary because I am lost without it. Somewhere it physically gets in your way, you cannot ignore it without moving it. That friction will become your reminder. This is not perfect. There are ways around this, we know, but it is better. You might want to tie it into something that you do already every week if you have a set routine. So you do a food shop on a certain day, a regular phone call, a meeting. If...

they all happen, then consider if those things happen, can you extend that day or that trip to going to that person, dropping it off, messaging that person, seeing that person to organise it. So messaging that person when you always text them and say, I've got something for you for your birthday. When is it okay for me to come over and drop it off? So do that first thing so that they then get back to you, letting you know when they are available.

And then that becomes a deadline and a commitment and accountability. Something else to consider, especially if posting things is like part of your life. For me, it was for a long time, because I owned a post office. So I am used to going in post offices and posting things. And I quite like sending things through the post. Can you build in a posting day or a leave the house day? So one fixed day a week where anything that needs to go out actually goes out. Not when you get around to it, not when you're hoping.

you will remember actually have a day. So for me, Mondays is my office day. Mondays is when I'm potting around trying to figure stuff out, looking at my emails, but also it is my get stuff done day. And that is a day where if I've got to send a return back, I send it back on that day. If I have got to post a card, I send it out on that day. So that works really well for me, but maybe that's my autistic brain giving me a routine that I can stick to.

Heather Tingle (09:21.976)
So we've already mentioned about telling the person you're going to give it to to give yourself some accountability and also a deadline, but also you can do it a different way and tell somebody else. So body doubling can work really well for this. Tell a friend or family member or ideally someone that's neurotypical who will also remember that you've got a gift to post this week. Suddenly you've got an external accountability and they might ask you about it. That question then becomes your trigger. Whatever trigger you pick though, aim for a week in advance of when you want it to actually be there.

not the day before because it's not going to happen. A week gives you time to wrap it, address it, get it posted and get it to the post office without it becoming a panic. Because if you get it ready to post, it's kind of a bonus if you see them before that and then you know it's there. But if you don't, you're still gonna get it there. It's like a fallback plan. If something needs posting, it gets wrapped and addressed the day it arrives in your home, sealed address, it just needs to physically leave.

Now, if you're in the UK, Royal Mail will pick things up from you. So consider using that service as it also gives you a deadline to make it happen by. Keep a small stash of padded envelopes, small stash, please note, boxes, and maybe even stamps for sending cards in the gift box. Removing every bit of friction from this posting process means there's no reason to put it off. And a lot of people are like, no, but posting is, it's like cheating. I want to physically hand deliver it to them so I can see the face. That is great.

but it's also kind of a perfection thing where we're not aiming for that, we're aiming just to get it to the person. So getting a gift, handing a gift over to a person who realizes obviously it's like really lovely, let's face it, but the goal is not perfection. The goal is getting it to them. And also something to be aware of, you do get a Heather says it's okay moment on this, getting it late, getting it there late is fine.

A card saying your gift is on the way is fine. Done imperfectly is always better than not done at all. Now let's face it, how often do you find something and think, it's too late to send that? If my friend sent me something out of the blue in the post a few weeks or a few months after my birthday, for example, I would be dead chuffed. That means happy. I won't be annoyed. I'd be really happy. Like, it's extended my birthday and I've got a lovely thing out of the blue to enjoy.

Heather Tingle (11:43.119)
There's nothing wrong with that. So if you've got that thing on the side or in a cupboard somewhere that you think, oh, I can't send it now, it's too late, send it. Say, I found this. Be honest. I put it somewhere and forgot about it, but I really want you to have it because it made me think of you. How lovely is that? That's great. And another option I you to think about is consider skipping the middle step altogether. And that middle step is you. So this is the bit I want you to think about, especially if gifting feels like a constant source of stress and guilt.

A lot of the problem comes from the gift coming to you first and then you needing to travel to the person or give it to that person. You are the middle step and the middle step is where things go wrong. So wherever you can, cut out the process and I do like doing this because it really works for me. If you are buying online, send it directly to the person, not to you first, but straight to them. Most online retailers will gift wrap it and include a message. Use it. It is not being lazy, it is being smart.

It's also worth considering things like experience gifts, I am well up on this. A restaurant voucher, a spa day, a ticket to something, a class or a workshop they've mentioned or you think they'd really love. A lot of these things can be sent as an e-gift card straight to the person's inbox. You buy it, you put in their email address, it lands with them. And a lot of them you can actually specify the date you want it to get there for.

You are not involved in the delivery at all. No wrapping, no posting, no forgetting. It is done. An experience gift. Also, let's face it, has the bonus of not adding physical clutter to somebody else's home as well. Which if you're someone who is worried about clutter, let's face it, we all are. That's why we're here. You will appreciate that that is also a really lovely thing to do. I also think it can be much more personal than just another, yes, hand bought and hand delivered.

but let's face it, another toiletry set or a of chocolates. So buying the gift is the thoughtful bit and we're good at that. Giving gifts, a dedicated home with wrapping supplies all in the same place. It'll see how much you've got then and you can streamline it a little bit. And anything you buy into that box on the same day, if you have to physically buy it yourself and bring it into your home. If not, get it done a different way.

Heather Tingle (14:02.408)
e-certificate or direct to the person who you want to get it to. But if you do have a physical item, find a trigger that works for your brain, something physical and unavoidable rather than a phone notification, let's face it, it's gonna disappear or trying to use your memory to remember. Make sure you're building a week's lead time for anything that he's posting. Keep stamps and envelopes in the gift box so his posting has got no friction and send things to the person direct wherever you can.

and consider, definitely consider experienced gifts that can be e-gifted straight to their inbox with no middle step at all. The goal is not a perfectly rough gift handed over on the right day. The goal is actually getting it to them. That's the bit that matters. So thank you so much to the untangler that sent this one in. And if you've got a topic you would love me to cover or a question that you want me to deep dive and give you personal advice via this podcast, you can absolutely do it. Send me a text message using the link in the show notes.

I absolutely read every single one, even if I cannot reply to you, because it doesn't give me a way to reply. So until next time, remember you are not alone, be kind to yourself and keep untangling.