134 - What to do when you hate your home

Summary

Heather Tingle shares practical strategies for coping with the overwhelming feeling of hating your own home. She discusses how to create pockets of calm, enjoy your space now, and find small ways to improve your environment despite ongoing decluttering efforts.

Chapters

00:00
Coping with Home Discomfort

06:06
Strategies for Creating a Comfortable Space

09:45
Finding Joy Outside Your Home

11:36
Creating Pockets of Niceness

15:45
Enjoying Your Space Now

18:33
Call to Action: Reclaim Your Home

Transcript

Heather Tingle (00:01.314)
Hello, untanglers, and welcome back to another episode of Decluttering Untangled with me, your host, Heather Tingle. So today I want to talk about something that I've seen in a few clients recently and tried to help with. And it's something that I remember vividly from my own home as well. And that is how to cope when you genuinely hate being in your own home. It's not just the...

passing feeling of, oh I must tidy up or something needs painting, it's genuine dread. So that awful sinking feeling, that low level discomfort all the time of where you have a nice day and then you walk through the door of your house and immediately you just sink, you want to leave again. That awful feeling of being out returning to what feels like

I want to say like a never ending hell of a place that you know you should love and for me I was really proud of myself for having my own home and really grateful for having it but it was also a space that I really hated so much and a place that made me feel like a real failure and I would do absolutely anything not to be there. That feeling of hating your own home is quite prevalent.

amongst our community. Those of us with full homes, especially neurodivergent brains, it's an awful feeling. And I know that feeling personally. I felt it a long time ago and I remember it because it was a feeling for a very long time in my life. And I suspect this is the same for you guys too, some of you. And that feeling comes from now looking back at it, a place of

hopelessness and helplessness. You've done all you can, you don't know what else to do, you're stuck and you don't know how to make it better. So I'd like to offer a few kind of strategies, I guess, to hopefully make it a little bit easier for you to do something to lessen that hate a bit, because I also know how isolating it is to feel like that.

Heather Tingle (02:23.116)
and those barriers that we have because of our home. And I really don't want anyone else to feel like that about their space because your home should be a happy place. And when you get to the end of decluttering and organising, generally it is a happy place. It's much better. I definitely don't try and escape my home now. But for a long time, I did deal with my home situation by not being in it.

So I was a workaholic, I still am if I'm honest, but for good reasons. But then work felt manageable. Work had clear tasks, clear outcomes. And also, I think importantly for me, it was something I was good at and I could shine at it. Whereas home felt the exact opposite. It felt like a chaotic mess of unfinished things.

stress, struggle, procrastination and just stuff and I didn't want to be in it. It felt uncomfortable to be at home, painfully so. So I didn't spend much time there at all so I worked or I went to Meadow Hall. So for those of you not from Sheffield, not from around here, Meadow Hall or Meadow Hell if you're from Sheffield is our big shopping centre or shopping mall if you are not in the UK and I spent days there.

So if I ever had a day where I was not working, I would go to Meadowhall, not because I needed anything, just because it was a place to escape that wasn't home. But unfortunately, although being out of the house felt better than being in it, shopping was an escape and it filled time, but it also felt like I was buying happiness and...

an escape from my house and I guess it felt kind of productive like I was doing something if I got the right top I would feel better about my clothes or if I bought something new then I could ignore all the other ones that were already in my house that couldn't find or whatever and so sitting in my cluttered home did not feel productive, not feel good, it just made me feel bad constantly. The problem with that though is that shopping was also making clutter worse and costing a lot of money.

Heather Tingle (04:47.918)
And so it was creating more of the thing I was running away from whilst running away from it. Not very logical, very ADHD and very relatable, I'm hoping. Because I am bearing my soul here, people, so I hope that some of you will at least understand where I'm coming from. But also what I couldn't do was relax at home. I could not sit on the sofa without seeing all the things that I should have done.

They didn't know how to tackle without seeing the pile of stuff, the sides that were covered, the cupboards that were just jammed and doors would open and things would fall out. I couldn't sit and watch TV without feeling guilty. Couldn't enjoy a cup of tea just because my brain was just thinking, how dare you relax when you should be doing something productive and making the situation better. But I couldn't make it better because I didn't know how to do it.

So I'm hoping that if that resonates with you, this episode is for you. Because although I have now just spent five minutes saying how awful it is, I'm the other side of it now. And I can tell you there are ways through it. Even before you get to the end of your decluttering, there are ways that can make it feel better. So the first one, and I think this is very important, and it was a really big one for me, was...

When you are someone that feels uncomfortable at home, relaxing at home can feel impossible because your brain will keep pulling your attention to everything that you should have done, everything that needs doing, the dishes, the pile on the stairs, the corny bean meter sort, the floor probe, ironing, I don't know, I've never done that one, but you know, like stuff like that that needs doing and it's like you can't sit and chill. Now, obviously I'm going to say something here, ADHD brains.

there is no right way to relax. People seem to think, especially neurotypical people seem to think that sitting watching TV is relaxing. I do have an internal, I wanna say, Duracell bunny inside me that wants to carry on doing two things at once, but they can be nice ways of relaxing. But relaxing is hard and I get it. So that's a little like.

Heather Tingle (07:15.094)
Apologies for this one.

But now I can actually active relax. So I can go for a walk or I can do something like diamond dot with my daughter or I can listen to a podcast while doing something. There are things I can now do. Even if it is watching TV while scrolling on my phone. I now don't feel guilty about it because I treated my time really intentionally blocking out work time.

blocking out decluttering time and blocking out parenting time and blocking out relaxation time for me. Because when you block out decluttering time or cleaning time or tidying time, when you do something like that, that then allows you to then also enjoy the relaxation time because you've done something to

earn it. Now I'm not a big believer in earning rest. think if you need to rest, you need to rest. It's not a reward for being productive. However, our brains don't always work like that. So looking at time and treating them all those separate things as non-negotiable, like they've got to happen, can really help because they know, like in my diary, for example, from eight o'clock tonight, it's rest time.

I don't need to feel guilty about it. I've done everything I need to do or I've done enough. There's always more you can do. With work, I could work 20 hours a day and still feel I hadn't got to the end of my to-do list. I could clean my home and still feel like I hadn't done a good enough job. There was still things, you know, I'm not a cleaner. There were other things that I could have cleaned better or redo. And there was always something that you can do because let's face it, as soon as you finish one room, you need to do it again. Same with your club's room.

Heather Tingle (09:11.31)
If you do something, do your 12 minute timers, your half an hour, you draw your one minor little category, go back to the paper system episodes right at the beginning and planning what you're to do, actioning in it and do those little micro categories. By doing one of those or one of those things, you then can chill. You are loud.

Heather Tingle (09:39.342)
So by doing something, it then gives you permission to then rest. Now I know it sounds relatively simple and it isn't simple, let's face it, because your brain is gonna default to the guilt mode whenever you stop moving and relaxing. But having it written down or scheduled or planned or whatever diary type you wanna use can really...

give yourself permission to do it and feel okay about it. You don't have to earn rest, like rest is part of it. You cannot wear yourself out by going all the time. You've got to chill too.

2. Find something outside of your home that genuinely fills your cup back up. This feels quite counterintuitive in an episode about your home and the fact that you're escaping it, but it works. When your home's a source of stress and overwhelm, you do need somewhere to go that recharges you. Not to escape forever, not to avoid the problem, but to genuinely

Fill your energy levels back up so you have something in reserve when you do tackle things at home. Now for me, I find going new places not restful. They may fill my cup up, but then when I come home, I need to take two days off to recover. However, there will be something that I can do that genuinely fills my cup up, that makes me feel good, so that when I get back to my home, yes, I might feel rubbish when I see it, but...

I have a better window of tolerance. I am less weary and worn down. I may have slightly more energy. So that's really important. So it might be go for a walk somewhere that you like when you see a bit of sunshine. Go joining a hobby group, coffee with a friend, swimming, sitting somewhere, reading a book in a coffee shop, a pottery class, time with your friend, time with your mum, whatever it is.

Heather Tingle (11:45.528)
something that genuinely lights you up and doesn't drain you and not another thing to do on your to-do list, something that is just for you. So the version of this that doesn't work is escaping through spending, which is what I was doing, but because that escape comes with a consequence. Bags of things coming home with you, debt getting bigger, and the problem getting bigger. But find the thing that fills you up without adding to the pile.

Number three, create little pockets of nicer space. So this is not about transforming your entire home. I want to be really clear about that because, you know, this, this decluttering takes a long time to do. For me, it took a year. For you, might take two, might take five, might take six months. You cannot.

Heather Tingle (12:42.766)
not have a nice space in your own home while you're waiting for it to get sorted. And this is not about having a Pinterest worthy living room or Insta beautiful. This is about finding five, 10 minutes to have a look at spaces and to make one small part of your home feel nicer. It might be clearing the sofa so you can sit on it. Not the whole room, just the sofa. Always having that sofa clear by the end of the night.

every night so that you can feel nice on it. It might be having a weighted blanket on that sofa or a lovely soft cuddly blanket, something along those lines. It might be lighting a candle so the room smells nice rather than dusty and musty or rather than just having it add to the know the piles of candles that you've never lit.

Obviously, be careful when you're lighting candles, make sure it's fire safe. It might be putting a lamp on instead of the big overhead light because warm light makes everything feel less harsh and it can be quite atmospheric. And for me, it was buying a rainbow maker because sitting at night in my room when the lights are out and having a pretty ceiling of different coloured lights or having the rainbows across my walls.

makes me smile and that is always good. You want something like that. It might be getting this lovely blanket out and draping it somewhere comfortable, maybe, I don't know, sitting on your office chair, putting a really fluffy blanket around you so it's it's a lovelier space. None of these things fix the clutter. They're not meant to, but what they're meant to do is lower the sensory discomfort enough that you can exist in your home for an evening or a few hours without

feeling like you're failing and you hate everything. Small pockets of nice are still nice and what I would really love for you as you go through decluttering that those pockets of nice stay nice and then get bigger until your entire home is a pocket of nice and that's what I want for you and I know you can do it. I've done it, my methods work and I know that you can do it for you too and that's just what I want for all my community.

Heather Tingle (15:10.606)
Your nervous system doesn't necessarily need your whole house to feel calm, but it does need somewhere for it to be that you can rest and feel okay in. So what is that space for you and how can you do it? It might be just doing something in your bathroom so that when you sit on the toilet, you're looking at a pretty picture. Like, it be something as easy as that or having really pretty bars.

in the bathroom or a really nice smelly thing in the bathroom so when you sit there it smells nice. It could be anything, little bits of niceness because you deserve it. And number four, don't wait for perfect before you let that nice thing in. This one I'm sure I've touched about before but how many of us have things we love sat in a cupboard or propped against the wall waiting for the right moment. So that picture you bought that you really really like

but you haven't ever hung it up because you're waiting for the room to be sorted. You're waiting for it to be de-cutted so then you can enjoy it. No, don't do that. Get it up. The sets of mug you love but you're keeping them from when the kitchen's tidier or nicer. No, make the cup of tea or coffee in them now. Because the logic is that once things are sorted, you'll then have a nice version of your home.

But when you're wait... you're in a kind of difficult relationship with your space. Waiting for it to get sorted to arrive before nice things are allowed just means you're living in a horrible environment for a very long time. Now I'm going to be honest and say I still am not totally totally in love with my house. I like it a lot more now than I ever did. It's now decluttered. But I am now waiting for...

my house to become my dream home by having an extension so I can have a better office and know an ensuite bathroom and all that bump. If I waited to have nice things in my home until it was totally done I'll probably be 80 because there's always going to be something that you want better. So stop punishing yourself, start enjoying what you've got now, so hang the picture, use the mugs.

Heather Tingle (17:31.362)
Don't feel that you've got to wait for a room to be decorated before you can have the nice things in it. You can have the nice things in it now and enjoy them until you decorate. So put the thing you love in the place where you'll see it, even if everything around it is still a work in progress and it's still cluttered everywhere, enjoy the thing. Because having something beautiful in an imperfect room doesn't make the room worse, it does make it slightly better.

you can look at that thing and go when this room is done that is going to really stand out and I can just enjoy it for now but it will be amazing when it's done and it reminds you that you deserve to have nice things in your space right now not as a reward for finishing just because you deserve to have a house that feels nice and a home that feels like you so I'm going to give you a little HSIO moment here's something I want you to consider

If you have spent years waiting to enjoy your home until it's sorted, that is a very long time to punishing yourself for an unfinished project. Your home doesn't have to be sorted for you to be allowed to feel comfortable in it. Those two things are not as linked as our brains tell us they are. You are allowed to have a lovely smelling candle in a horrible room. You are allowed to sit on a cleared sofa as you're surrounded by doom piles everywhere else.

You are allowed to feel okay in your space before it is finished. It is not giving it up, it is not giving in, it is keeping you going. So that is your Heather says it's okay moment. Apologies that this has gone on longer than anticipated, but this is something that I am so passionate about. So here is your call to action and what I would like you to do. One thing from today's episode, pick whichever feels most doable. And if you need help doing it, pop into the Facebook group and ask for help and I will help you.

I would like you to do something like block out a few hours in your diaries or an hour or 30 minutes at your rest time. What are you going to do? How are you going to do it? Honor it. Make it happen. Find one thing outside your home that fills you up and make a plan to actually do it. Spend 10 minutes making one small pocket of your home feel nicer. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be something as little as getting all that fluff out of the

Heather Tingle (19:56.046)
cutlery drawer so that when you open it or for me how on earth does cat hair get in the bottom of my freezer? I don't understand it. Might just be giving that a little clean so that every time I open that I think yeah that would job well done. Light a candle, clear the sofa, put a little lamp on, hang the picture one thing. What can you do this week to reclaim your home as a nicer space to be in?

And if you want me to help you know what to do, come and find me in the community on Facebook. I would love to know. So I hope that has given you cool, quite a few things to think about today. So until next time, remember you're not alone. Be kind to yourself and keep untangling.